The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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