you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
