Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Randomize
