So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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