Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
