I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
