look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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