I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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