I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
wanna go halves on a baby?
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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