Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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