I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
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