New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
