So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Randomize
