I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
