Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
