I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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