So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
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Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
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I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
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