Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo