did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Randomize
