Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
