someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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