dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Randomize
