How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
