I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Randomize
