Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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