A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
