Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Randomize
