p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Randomize
