dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
