awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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