tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Randomize
