I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
