yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I need a beard to bite.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
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