Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
I need help removing her.
Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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