proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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