i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think...
wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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