I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Randomize
