apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize
