living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
