You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
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