I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
