Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
