I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Randomize
