I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
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