don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Success! We fucked roommates!
last night I used snow as a chaser
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
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