I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
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