We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Randomize
