Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
