Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
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