best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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