Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
Randomize
