I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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