Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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