If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
In America we eat man semen.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
