what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Randomize
