I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I need to stop coming to work sober
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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