I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Drunk is not a location!
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
