yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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