I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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