Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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