When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
